Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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