Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize