I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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