I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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