Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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