Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
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if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
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Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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