just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We left the knife in your bed.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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