he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
