so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
