Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
