Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
