I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
