Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
