i permit you to call me
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
