i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
