Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
