Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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