Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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