Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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