my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
