I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
