You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
