She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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