Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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