I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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