remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
time to smoke my breakfast
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
