You can't motorboat a personality
I smell stomach acid.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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