My sheets look like a crime scene.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
