don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
