I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
