the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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