When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
