I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
