Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
