I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
