This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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