Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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