come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
