I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
