My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
