the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
