Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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