The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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