went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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