i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
