Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
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If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
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All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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