he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
