Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
