You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
