The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
why is half of my head shaved?
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