If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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