threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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