There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
