He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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