dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
